|I needed to get out.
||[Nov. 7th, 2007|04:26 pm]
I feel like I am constantly changing. I thought I was over the whole thing with my mother, but I wasn't. And I didn't notice until I realized that I was. Hah.
He was alluring because he was 23 and had a college degree and an apartment and a car and a good job and shit. Let me tell you from first hand experience, that all those things do not make a man. Just because he has those things doesn't mean he is mature. I have 19 year old friends that are more grown up than him.
Things with him were perfect for a few months. I was so unbelievably happy. I have learned that I would MUCH rather be happy with someone all the time than have a few amazing months followed by bipolar days and a completely different personality. Nick says this is very Buddhist of me.
Brian was a huge part of my life for a long time. We were great for each other but our relationship started going downhill. I was really bitchy to him and he was really oversensitive. We needed to break up. I didn't know what I wanted in a person and I felt trapped being with him while I was at school. I wanted to date other people and experience things. I hurt him a lot. I know that we still loved each other but we really didn't show it. So it ended in May-ish. We barely spoke for months. I still thought about him all the time though and missed how it used to be. A lot of the issues we had were stemming from the fact that I wanted him to grow up. And I had some jealously/trust issues. I was still bitter from my situation with mom but I didn't know it.
At the end of May, my older sister finally succeeded in setting me up with a boy she had been talking to be about for like 8 months. His name was Jeremy and she thought he was nice. She was sort of involved with his little brother and so we ended up talking a lot and hung out. This was around the time I was getting ridiculously sick for no reason. I had awful anxiety and stomach problems so I didn't really like to go out much. Jeremy was pretty nice about it and would come over to my house to hang out. As time went on I learned that I had Celiac Disease, an allergy to gluten, which is wheat, barley, rye, etc. Consuming it gave me anxiety and digestive issues. Not eating it made me pretty okay, the longer I avoided it the better I got. I am not trying to make this seem worse than it is. But. The comparison works, so here goes. When you have cancer and you meet someone and become friends, that person only knows you as your sick-self. When/if you get better, the friendship is generally different and doesn't always work because they had known you one way and obviously when you get better you change. This happens a LOT. I am a very upbeat person and I like to go out and have a good time. Jeremy is the same way but he never saw that side of me because I was always sick and after reading a book about Celiac, I found that people that have it are even less likely to leave the house, the disease makes them extremely wary of new experiences. Jeremy and I started dating June 1st and he was pretty supportive but he would get really mad when I said I would go out later that day and then cancel on him because I felt sick. I hated that I didn't go out and have fun, it was really hard for me, but like social anxiety..it can't exactly be controlled all the time. It's a gradual thing and even though I hated not being me, I knew I would be okay sometime.
He invited me to go camping with him and a SHITLOAD of my sister's friends in New Hampshire and I decided that it was a good idea. We all drove up and I was feeling really anxious but I was trying my best to control it. I ate wheat thins to settle my stomach (really fucking brilliant, I wish I had known about the allergy) When we got there and set up, everyone started drinking. I'm not a huge drinker so I refrained. I had been getting pretty bad anxiety when ever I drank because it had malt or barley in it but I didn't know that then. I just stopped drinking. My doctor had given me depression medicine to help the anxiety and then she gave me alternate pills to just take if I had an attack. Pretty soon everyone was completely off their ass drunk except me and I started feeling sick and anxious. I took a pill but it didn't help. I honestly thought I was going to die. I really did. And I couldn't leave because I didn't have a car and I didn't know where I was. Everyone was drunk so I found no comfort there. I went to lay down and got the "you're being antisocial" talk from Jeremy about 2,000 times. I kept taking pills but nothing helped. I started being dizzy because of them and ended up sitting in the bushes sobbing and fairly close to puking. The act of puking has always given me an anxiety attack, so that just added to the miserableness. I felt completely alone, surrounded by people that had no control over their themselves and I knew I couldn't get any help from Jeremy because he works a lot and this was his day off, so he got royally fucked. He basically just gave me shit all night. It got to the point where I couldn't even sleep because of the anxiety and my cell phone had no signal so I couldn't call anyone. I had absolutely no control over the situation and I was terrified. That was the first time I had a feeling that things with Jeremy were maybe not awesome. After awhile, I thought about it less.
Despite my constant sickness, I was overwhelmed with how awesome Jeremy was. Being with him was such a drastic change from what I was used to. After a month I started sleeping over at his apartment with him a lot. I loved the freedom and independence of being able to see him whenever I wanted because he had his own place and everything. He was funny and sweet and I thought he was perfect.
Eventually, he started being really arrogant and rude. I started to think that maybe the way he presented himself wasn't accurate. He always liked to say how respectful he was and how nice and everything. Then things went sour with my sister and his brother. It was a little sketchy for awhile. My sister and I have had our differences but she will always be my sister and I will always be loyal to her. Jeremy's new fun activity was talking shit about her. To me. Oh really? No thanks, I am all fucking set with that. So, that caused some tension. I dealt with it for awhile because I was still happy. Most of the time.
I had been having some doubts about things with him but I didn't voice them because I am notorious for staying in shitty situations longer than I should. I don't like to give up on people because I used to suck and I hated it when people gave up on me. Especially because I don't suck now.
I decided to go to Maine. I had been missing Elisabeth a lot and I was homesick. I ended up making plans with Brian for one of the days. We had been talking once in awhile here and there. He had a new girlfriend. When I heard about it it made my heart hurt. I had gone to WalMart on a previous trip to Maine and saw him there with her. I left and drove back to Massachusetts in silence, crying. I am lame. Anyway. We made plans. We went to the beach and talked, went back to his house, watched a movie, talked, talked, talked. He made me realize what I wanted. He reminded me how sweet he is. I didn't feel well at the beach and he was immediately concerned, rather than "UGH now we have to leave" he was "Are you okay? Let's go get some food or something". Seeing Brian woke up the side of me I had forgotten.
When I got back to Massachusetts, Jeremy thought I was different and blamed it on Brian. He thought that something had happened between us, and it had. We talked and he made me realize that I deserve better and that this situation was wrong for me. I do not need any extra negativity in my life and as so many people are now finding out, Jeremy is a professional shit-talker. The kid is so unbelievably fake that it makes me sick. He thinks he knows who he is, and he can talk an amazing game about himself but what he says is just who he wishes he was. And he is too arrogant and self centered to ever admit that.
Because I had only known Jeremy while I was sick, I subconsciously felt trapped in the sick personality. I didn't realize that until later. He would get so angry when I would go to Maine and do all these fun things and then come back here and not do anything, really. When I explained how I felt, he didn't understand. I really care about Jeremy, I do. But I needed a break, I needed to get out of that situation. I hated who I was when I was with him, and I hated the way he treated me. He wasn't always bad, but it was enough. And worse, when I told him how I felt about things, he would just say that it was who he was, take it or leave it. I hate that attitude. If someone told me something they saw in me that was negative and it hurt them, I would want to change it, not just for them but to better myself. He doesn't care.
Soo. After I returned, things were worse. And I understand why he thought that it was Brian's fault or influence. But it was really just me realizing what is important.
I broke up with Jeremy. Brian broke up with Jolene. He realized that even though it wasn't meant to be that way, it was a rebound relationship. I had stayed with Jeremy for weeks knowing that I was still in love with Brian. I was in love with Brian through the whole relationship but I knew it wouldn't work with him so I focused on other things. I just couldn't stay with Jeremy knowing that my heart was somewhere else. And honestly, I am glad I was with Jeremy, things were amazing for awhile.
I'm not dating Brian.
I didn't leave Jeremy for Brian.
Brian was just the thing that made me see clearly.
I wish I could say that this whole thing will show Jeremy what an ass he can be but I know it won't, and that's a damn shame.
I'm sure that he believes that it had nothing to do with him, that I'm just the bitch that went back to her ex.
But I'm not.
I had some girl issues this semester. Problems with my ovaries and such. Jeremy gave me shit for missing so much school and said he only missed one day in college. Do you know what Brian did? He asked me how I was feeling every day, and had me call him before and after my doctor appointments to see how I was and how I was doing. This whole issue is not one of comparisons, I don't work that way...grass is greener shit doesn't work for me. BUT. This just shows the drastic differences in character.
Brian has changed so much at college and I'm proud of him.
I think that when we try this again, it will work. I actually know.
He came here for a visit last weekend and I can honestly say that I haven't been that happy in a long time.
It has to do with the pride I feel for getting out of a crappy situation and finally realizing what kind of person really makes me happy. Also, how much I have grown from the experience. Just getting that negativity out of my life was amazing.
He took me out to eat and we made me a build a bear. It is a bunny with an argyle sweater vest that matches the one I have, and aviators. And if you squeeze him, Brian recorded a message.
It was amazing being on a date.
I never get dates.
I realized today, that despite everything, my life is ridiculously perfect.
And I have to believe that it is because he is back in it.